You Don't Know What You've Got 'Til It's Gone

I’ve always received information in the strangest places. Pacing around my office, driving in the car and doing the dishes are a few examples. The other day I was taking a bath trying to clear my energy when a strong, random thought came to me. “After the ending of any relationship, if you are angry with that person’s choices, you’re really just haunted by the choices you’ve made with them…” Most of us are familiar with the art of projecting our emotional baggage on to someone else, but the way this message was worded struck a cord and took this concept to a whole new level for me. It’s quite telling, actually. Immediately a light bulb went off in my head and I just knew I had to take this knowledge and pay it forward. This issue is probably one of the most common, unhealthy cycles I see people go through after a relationship has ended. When a break-up occurs, it’s normal to think about what went wrong, what should’ve/could’ve been and believing that you messed up, especially if there are still romantic feelings involved. Unfortunately, I’m not talking about that. I’m speaking of those who weren’t happy in the relationship or in love, break up with (or cheat on) the person and then get angry when they see them making a new life with someone else. Stay Out Of It- If you see your ex happy with a new partner and you know there‘s not a chance of reconciliation, stay out of it. There’s no need to place yourself in his/her life at this point. Nothing good will come of it, especially if you‘re just angry and/or on a power trip. I said this is very common because in my line of work, I see and hear about it every single day. Here are some of the things I get from people who are experiencing an ego-driven response to their ex moving on without them: * I broke them in and now he/she gets to ride them! (I just love that one) * He/she has everything and I have nothing, this is so not fair! * I changed my life for him/her and now I’m stuck. * Nothing ever works out for me. * How come they weren’t that way with ME? Keep in mind, the above examples are coming from people who broke up with or cheated on their partner. They were not on the receiving end… If you were to hear that from a friend, what would you say to them? You’d probably say something to the effect of, “Don’t worry, it’ll get better”, “Don’t just sit there, make things happen!” or even “Who cares? You didn’t want them so find someone else.” I’m going to be brutally honest here and say this: By crying, whining, pushing or complaining, you will not garner any sympathy from your ex. If they are done with the relationship and have told you so, they’re probably seeking peace. Listening to you in that mode only confirms the reason they moved on. So why are you feeling jealous, angry or betrayed by your ex’s choice to move on? Here are some questions you can ask yourself to get to the root of the problem: * Has my ex expressed his/her desire to get back together? * Did I ever really love him/her for who they were when we were together? * Am I happy and fulfilled in my own life? If you answered “No” to the above questions then you are only reacting to an emotional void, lack of personal validation and the need to feel better about yourself. You’re pissed at your ex because you either want what they have or want the life they gave back then and you’re feeling powerless. Once your relationship has ended, it’s your responsibility to heal and create the life you really want. Your ex cannot be accountable for the actions you take and choices you make. Trying to hold on to someone you didn’t really want to stay with anyway will only block new options from entering your life. When I say “holding on”, I’m not exactly referring to lingering feelings of love or romance. I’m talking about the fact that you’re projecting your unhappiness, feelings of inadequacy and loneliness on to them because you’re so focused on what you don’t have, not the possibilities of what you could create. The more thought you give to the emptiness inside yourself, the more unattractive you look to prospective dating options. It’s true! You could be the most physically attractive and gifted person on the planet, but if you keep yourself feeling like shit, you’ll project that image on the outside. It’s Not About You - The most important thing one must realize while trying to break the nasty cycle of ego driven behavior toward another is that it’s not about you. Your ex-lover, friends or family are not making their life choices because of you or for your benefit, especially if you are no longer acquainted. If you can get that out of your head right now, the chances of you reacting in a manner in which you’d regret decreases immensely. If the choice isn’t about you or directed to you specifically, refrain from getting involved in that person’s business. You’re only setting yourself up for more pain, heartache and possibly embarrassment. If you’re still communicatively connected to the other person, you need to detach emotionally to gain clarity on whatever situation you’re facing to see things from a non-threatening perspective in order to make a neutral choice that’s in the best interest of everyone involved. That’s a tuffy since most people don’t think before they speak or act, but if you put forth the effort, eventually you will get the concept and it will become second nature.