All relationships take work to achieve happiness and balance, absolutely, but in most situations the real work begins after the honeymoon phase. Of course, everyone's honeymoon phase is different. I only experienced that for the first few months of the courtship, if you could call it that. My situation is not what most would call traditional and that works for both my husband and I. No white dress, no 250 guests, no honeymoon vacation. This saved us a ton of money and stress, to say the least.
No matter how you choose to celebrate the act of committing to your partner, remember that you're embarking on a journey with another to create the life you both want. Here are some of my thoughts on how to maintain the health in your marriage:
This includes being exactly who you said you were during the courtship. Just because you got married doesn't give you free rein to purposely turn into someone else. Remember, they fell in love with who you claimed to be and it's your responsibility to maintain those standards in your relationship. Yes, people can grow and change. Being honest about those changes as they arise will eliminate feelings of bewilderment and resentment.
Other circumstances may also affect the premarital terms you both agreed upon. Let's say your husband has lost his job and can no longer carry half or more than half of the financial burden for your household. When you married him, you agreed to the standard vows of "for better or worse, for richer or poorer". Support your husband's quest to find a new job, but also understand that you have a responsibility to the household as well. Stepping up to the plate and not belittling your spouse in these types of situations will get you the love and respect you deserve and most likely, they will be more than willing to serve your needs in the future.
Having trouble reading your spouse's mind? Well, forget that. Try doing monthly check-ins to see what they're thinking or feeling. "Is there anything you need to be happier?" or "You seem a bit stressed lately, is there anything I can do to help?" will break the ice (if there is any) and will allow your partner the opportunity to be heard or be more comfortable with the dynamic in your relationship. This needs to be done in private, without any distractions.
The other aspect of keeping open communication is your emotional & verbal state while arguing. Are you listening to your spouse or just yelling? Are you working to form a compromise or are you just trying to win? Two very good questions to ask yourself while trying to resolve an issue. If you come across as accusatory, unreasonable and only trying to get what you want, your partner may shut down and lose respect for you, especially if your arguments continue this way.
Another thing... don't be shady. If you need to be alone for a while or want to spend time with your friends, let your partner know. Try not to bail when the going gets tough, leaving your husband/wife in the dark. This behavior will definitely arouse suspicion, even if you're innocent. Also, check your shadow while feeling hurt or angry with your loved one. Being vindictive or trying to make your partner "pay" will not solve anything.
A lot of marriages suffer when one person is forced to take on most or all of the responsibilities in the household and are left without quality alone time. It's very important you take care of yourself, otherwise you'll end up running on fumes and feeling resentful. The same goes for quality time with your friends. Your relationship should be a healthy addition to the life you already had and letting go of your social life because you chose to get married isn't psychologically sound for anyone. Finally, spending quality time with your spouse, like maintaining a date night for example, will help the two of you stay connected to the life you had prior to getting married.
Are you exhausted, annoyed and/or overwhelmed? Guess what? Sex is a great way to relieve some stress, get a work-out and stay connected to your spouse. If you drop the physical aspect of your relationship, you let the stresses of your daily routine build up and your energy will plummet. Your partner may also feel neglected and unattractive, even if that is not the case. I understand that sometimes life takes over and it can be difficult to make time for this. Once a week is better than nothing.
Hugging, kissing, cute little swats on the butt, play fighting etc. Whatever floats your boat. Keeping things light and affectionate will raise the vibration between the two of you.
Try to eat dinner together at least 3-5 times per week with NO distractions. This is a good time to have a conversation with your spouse and children about the events of their day.
* Practice true acceptance & forgiveness
This is the most difficult thing to do, especially when life seems to be throwing lemons, one after another at lightening speed. Accepting someone for who they are doesn't mean you have to agree with every choice they make. You only have to understand that they are who they are and trying to change them is nothing short of an uphill battle.
Forgiving your partner for saying or doing things they did not mean (or in the heat of the moment) and not holding it over their head will prevent your relationship from imploding. It takes work, yes, but worth it in the end. The best way to go about this acceptance and forgiveness stuff is to choose your battles wisely. If in the long term you feel this particular issue isn't going to affect you, then do not start an argument. Find a way to tame your ego and work through it on your own.
When we connect ourselves to someone, be it a lover, friend, business partner or family member, we usually take on much more than we bargained for. Relationships of every kind are formulated to challenge us and help us grow so we may become much more than we are in the present tense. This is especially true when we choose to take that flying leap into the realm of marriage.
Understand in choosing to get married, you're making the decision to work with your mate not against them. You're allowing yourself to be put in the position of partner, not dictator. Yeah, marriage can feel like a ton of work, but that's true of all relationships. If you truly love someone you'll want to do the work and you'll do everything you can to resolve problems.
The best piece of advice I can give you is this: Don't think about being married and just stay focused on keeping your relationship healthy and balanced. The title of husband or wife is just that...a title. You are both individuals who have many special gifts and have come together to share them with one another.
|
Copyright © 2001-2010, Mystic Wonder.org ®, All Rights Reserved.
Content on this site may not be copied, paraphrased or reproduced in ANY way.