It is said that the most important element in keeping a relationship alive and stable is good communication. This goes for all relationships, whether we're talking about romantic, platonic or family situations. Communicate well and your relationship will flourish. Sounds simple, doesn't it?
This concept may be right on, but it's easier said than done since we can't have a conversation without another person's involvement. Okay, we can, but who wants to be in their head all the time? Anyway, when others' thoughts and feelings are in the mix we're bound to have a snafu here and there. Since communication seems to be one of the most difficult things to master, I thought I'd give a few suggestions on how to create a healthier dialog.
Are You Listening?
I honestly believe that 90% of arguments escalate due to one or both parties' inability to hear the other person. In order to hear someone else and understand where they're coming from, you must stop, breathe and listen before reacting. It should be like a ping pong game. You speak, I listen. I speak, you listen. Then somewhere in between, the two of you agree to ask questions for clarity. Ding, ding! Not so difficult, right? Wrong! It seems easy, but when we're upset or passionate about a certain topic, it's very hard to control our thoughts or emotions when we're on a roll. Listening is an art. It takes time to be consistent, but once you get your ego in check, it's simple to maintain.
Tune In Tokyo!
Is someone telling you something you don't want to hear? Welcome to the club! This will probably happen often in life, so you can start off by getting thicker skin. It's normal to want to tune someone out when they're delivering not so fabulous news, criticism or even a simple suggestion. Sometimes though, the person loves you enough to say something if they feel you're out of sorts or going down the wrong path. It's one thing to tune out verbal abuse, but it's another to discount a friend or family member's genuine concern. If there's a legitimate issue, try not to tune out because you're uncomfortable. Listen and take it all in. Perhaps their message will turn out to be positive in the end. One more thing: Get used to hearing "no". A lot of times, "no" will be your saving grace. Just saying...
Come Back To Earth
This one is a tuffy! More often than not, we will see only our side of a situation, which can cause confusion while trying to work something out with another. Here it goes: You see this, he/she sees that and the reality is floating in outer space. Again, listening is the first step to embracing reality. We have to accept the other person's view without reacting prematurely. After talking about it, the reality will appear and the pair of you will be able to work with it. Of course, both parties have to be willing to see reality in order for this to actually work.
Pick Your Battles
Most of the time we're fighting for something that just isn't worth our energy. Seek the bigger picture then decide whether or not this particular detail is essential in creating a beautiful portrait everyone can enjoy. If not, then it's time to let it go. If you continue to hold on to something so small, you may end up right back where you started.
Honesty Is The Best Policy
Some people are so uncomfortable they manipulate the truth to save face or feel better. Here's the deal. If confrontation isn't your thing and believe me it's not for most people, being honest about what has transpired or simply stating your feelings will probably save your ass! Nobody likes to feel backed into a corner, but trying to change the energy of your situation by making false statements will come back to haunt you. Saying things just to appease another will cause you to become resentful and angry at yourself when all is said and done. The cycle will repeat itself at a later date.
Ask Questions
If you're not clear with the statements another is making, don't be afraid to ask for clarity. This will reduce the chance of you reacting in a negative way and starting an unnecessary argument. Unnecessary being the operative word here. One must do their very best to have all the facts and feelings out in the open before rendering a decision about an issue and reacting to the other person's words.
Out Of Control?
It's never safe to start a conversation when you're all worked up. Solutions only become apparent when people aren't engaged in a nasty sword fight. If you can't seem to get your emotions under control, it's best to remove yourself from the situation until you're clear and calm.
Watch Your Tone
A lot of people miss this one. Whether you're worked up emotionally or not, it's important to listen to others, but listen to yourself as well. Choose your words and delivery wisely. Coming across as whiney, accusatory, demanding or holier than thou will automatically make you a bitch or an asshole. Not a great place to be if you're looking for approval. Try phrases like, "I feel as though" or "Please help me understand". Keep in mind there are plenty of folks out there who are not seeking praise or approval and probably don't care what others' think. We can't hit the jackpot every time.
It's Okay To Be Wrong!
It really is. When it comes to opinions, being right all the time is next to impossible. Just remember that people make mistakes in judgment and stating (what they believe is) fact all the time! It can be embarrassing, yes, but missing the mark once in a while doesn't make you a bad person or an idiot. The folks who own up to the blunder instead of placing blame earn the most respect from others.
Shit happens. This makes life interesting. So let's talk about it and keep moving forward. Don't let insecurity and fear get in the way of carrying healthy relationships.
