The Unavailable Mate

Every day there are people who attract themselves to the unavailable man or woman. Whether it's emotionally, physically or legally, these people attach themselves like a blood sucker about to die without their "excitement" fix. Yeah, I said it, blood sucker. Of course, there are those people who have no clue the man or woman they're attracting is unavailable, yet when they find out, they hold on to the relationship for dear life as if they'll never have the opportunity to be happy again. There's this saying and I'm sure you know it well, "You can't help who you fall in love with". I know this concept is hard to swallow, but YES YOU CAN. That's just an excuse people give for staying in a situation that isn't working and/or will never be. Love, like everything else in life, is a choice. We CHOOSE who we fall in love with. God didn't grab your arm, drag you over to your unavailable mate and physically attach you to him or her with sticky glue. This is what we call FREE WILL. Yes, you choose who you attach yourself to. Sure, they MAY end up a life partner EVENTUALLY, but in the mean time, why be miserable? Emotionally Stagnate: We all have this problem from time to time. If you don't, then you must be God and I'll pay any amount of money to see this in person. What we're really talking about here are the relationships where a partner is not emotionally available for a committed relationship and those who refuse to grow on that level. I have seen many cases where not just one partner is at "fault". Instead, both parties refuse to grow, learn and expand themselves on an emotional level. When this happens, there is no opportunity for longevity. The whole point to dating is finding someone who will compliment you naturally. Someone who you can learn and grow with. If you're in a relationship for a period of time and there's no emotional movement at all, get out. Save yourself before you go crazy trying to change a situation that you can't control. Now don't get me wrong, not all situations like these end up hopeless. There are plenty of reasons why a person can be emotionally stagnate. Issues stemming from childhood neglect to past relationship burn-outs can often be the cause of one clamming up and shutting out the world. If you're in a relationship with someone who has these issues, it's important to pay attention to how they deal with them. If they are in denial and not acknowledging their problems, they need professional help. Not only do these issues affect their relationships, it causes problems in other areas as well. If they know they have a problem but refuse to change it, even for their own sake, it's time to roll out. YOUR LOVE WILL NOT PREVAIL. Do not think for a second that all they need is your love and support. Love can only do so much. You can't help someone who won't help themself. It's a different story when the person is working on getting rid of their issues in the physical and emotional sense. Those who do have a real chance at making their relationship work, only because both parties are working at it. If you're energy is being depleted and you receive nothing in return, read the writing on the wall. Legally Restricted: Those who try to carry romantic relationships with a partner who is legally restricted is setting themself up for major disappointment. Jail Time - If the love of your life is serving time in prison, especially for an extended period, they're not available to you. End of story. UNLESS you're absolutely sure that when or if this person gets out, you're the one they'll be coming home to, spare yourself the pain and anguish of abandonment and find yourself someone who will be there in the physical. For the love of God, at least find someone you can have sex with! Not only that, but do you REALLY want to be with a convicted felon? Are you really going to experience the kind of love and happiness you deserve when this person is detained? I don't think so. Legally Married - If you are the type of person who wants a true monogamous relationship, a legally married partner is not going to work for you. If this person refuses to leave their spouse and give you the commitment you deserve, they never will. Regardless of what they say they "feel", it will never be enough for you so please, do yourself a favor and put yourself FIRST in this situation. Your partner sure as hell is, so what are you waiting for? There are cases in which the married partner feels they absolutely have to stay legally connected to their spouse, even though their marriage is over. Usually in situations like these, the married party is staying for their children, finances or other legal issues. If you can deal with this without complaining or pushing for something that can't be at the time, then you may get what you're looking for eventually. The person is only available if you both want the same thing and are comfortable with the given situation. The Getaway Guy/Gal: The number one scenario is the getaway guy or girl. Those who are in relationships with another and are carrying on an affair who no regard for anyone but his or herself. If you are at the receiving end of a situation like this and are NOT happy with this title, get the hell out immediately. Unless you are okay with being a McDonald's drive thru, (thank you Cyndallk), chances are you won't be fulfilled. Keep in mind, it's not just those who have another "significant" other, it can also be a man or a woman who simply doesn't want a committed relationship, just a bunch of happy meals to fill their tummy. This isn't a difficult concept to grasp since you will see clear signs. Remember, you choose who you attach yourself to. If or when you start to see that you're not going to receive a commitment from the happy meal prospect, detach yourself emotionally AND physically. If you choose to stick around, knowing full and well the relationship isn't going anywhere, you have nobody to blame but yourself. You are not the victim in a case like this, UNLESS the person has clearly lead you to believe something different. That means literally calling you a boy/girlfriend, saying "I love you" or telling you that they are committed in some way. Then showing you with their actions. Now even if they lead you on and then you find out it was all BS, I feel for ya, but it's time to roll out. If you don't, again, you only have yourself to blame. Remember, you can't make someone treat you they way you want and you definitely won't be able to make them do what you want. All Cracked Out: People who have addictions such as narcotics, sex or alcohol and have NO intent on cleaning up their act are NEVER available for a healthy, long term relationship. Again, you can't help someone who won't help themself. There are way too many underlying issues that have to be dealt with by a licensed professional. Now if you're wanting to lend your support while they're working on themself, then by all means go right ahead. Those who are Bi-Polar usually have medication that is necessary for their brain to function properly. I've experienced a relationship with a manic depressive myself and my mother has as well. There are many problems in having a relationship with someone who is Bi-Polar. First, if they are in denial and don't take their medicine as prescribed, they will not be themselves. Their chemical imbalance will kick which could lead to emotional and physical abuse. Not only that, but if they are drinking or doing drugs while taking their medication, God only knows what kind of danger one could experience. Another big issue is that this type of illness has found to be hereditary. The only way to have a healthy relationship with someone who is Bi-Polar is IF that person has full control over their illness. They take their medication, see their therapist when needed and stay out of denial. One who has this illness may not be available because of their self-absorbed nature, chemical imbalance and emotional blockages. Keep in mind, those who have this are NOT bad people, they've dealt themselves a hand of Jokers and their major life lesson is to rise above this barricade. If they aren't taking care of their problem, they don't even know what they're doing and can ultimately lead to physical or emotional suicide. Quick Overview - Signs That A Prospect Is Unavailable For A Solid Commitment: * They're married and refuse to leave their spouse * They won't let go of emotional issues, including fear * They're serving time in prison and there's no chance of a real relationship * They're suffering from an addiction/Bi-Polar and refuse to get help * They're not consistent with their words and actions * They allow outside influences to dictate their actions * They never communicate and always leave you guessing * They lead you on but never back up their intent * They only wish you to be their McDonald's drive thru * You're not the only "significant" other If you're going through the above list and feel like your situation is a lost cause, understand that not everyone who has these issues will be like this forever. It's up to you to recognize them and make your decisions based upon your feelings. If you know you can't deal with your situation and are tired of "waiting" on that person to make changes, it's probably best for you to let go and move on to greener pastures. Know that when it's real love, your partner won't NEED you, they'll WANT you and will contribute to your needs without any prompting on your end.