I Want Them Back, HELP!
Getting Back Together With An Ex

If you're wanting your ex-lover to come back, obviously it won't work if things remain the same as they were prior to the break-up. In any case when experiencing a break-up, you must allow plenty of time to recover and regain your sense of self.

AFTER your recovery period is up and you're still wanting your ex back, it's time to ask yourself why. Honestly, most people want their ex-partner back for vindictive reasons, not because their love is truly for real. Usually in cases like these it's the ego talking. The ego controls a major part of our psyche, but can be adjusted. This is something we've all done at one point in life, so understand that these emotions are natural, however, they're not healthy.

When one is seeking their ex back for egotistical reasons, the chances of them being successful in their pursuit or maintaining a healthy relationship with the ex is slim to none. If your intent isn't pure, not matter what the situation is, you will never succeed in getting what you want. For more information, please read my article on the ego by clicking here and the article, Attitude & Intent.

Below are examples of wanting to rekindle a past relationship for the wrong reasons:

Your ex is with someone new and your ego is bruised. All you think about is why he or she is with someone else so soon after your relationship ended.

You're beating yourself up over the break-up, telling your mind that you failed and want to reconcile just so you can re-gain your power.

You are on the receiving end of the break and again, your ego is bruised. You want him or her back just to tame the ego. You're only trying to get them back just to say that you could, not because you're still truly in love with this person and you were very happy in that relationship.

You never completely let go of the issues resulting from the break-up or viewed it as a positive. Since you've wanted a reconciliation for so long, you haven't re-established your trust in men or women and now you believe your ex would be the only one who will want you and make you happy.

You only desire the opportunity to have this person back because you want them to feel the pain and agony they put you through. Basically, the only reason you want them back is to turn them down the minute they pursue the relationship.

All these reasons are guided by the ego. Sure you've been hurt, we've all been there and I'm sure if you're honest with yourself, you have been on the commanding end as well. That's life. Don't take a break-up personally. Like we said previously, there's always a reason and that's because the relationship wasn't working out for one or both parties involved.

Here's my personal example of what happens when you're looking to rekindle a relationship for the wrong reasons:

My high school sweetheart and I were together for 3 ½ years. I went on a vacation with my mother and sister the summer before my senior year. During that trip I had this uneasy feeling that something wasn't right with my relationship. I just knew that it was over and I had to leave him. When I came back from my trip, I went to visit him at his job while he was on break. Immediately when I hugged him I knew he had cheated on me, so the next day I broke up with him, without telling him why. Of course he was hurt, but that same week he was spotted with my then "best friend", holding hands and kissing at a school function. I was livid when I heard, but didn't want to believe until I saw it with my own eyes. Well, my "best friend" had stopped calling me and a week later I did see them with my own eyes. I called my ex and tried to get him to take me back, but he turned me down cold. All of the sudden he didn't love me anymore and our 3 ½ years went down the drain.

The moral of the story is obvious. I only wanted him back because he was with another girl, my best friend and I felt betrayed by both of them. My intent was to hurt her when he took me back and also to hurt him when I found another guy to cheat on him with. Bad Cristin, BAD! Of course, God wouldn't let me be vindictive and I learned a very important lesson from that experience.

If you think you want your ex back, here are some questions you will need to ask yourself before trying to re-connect with your lover:

Do I want my ex to be happy, with or without me?
If you feel that the only way they'll be happy is by your presence in their life, you're sadly mistaken. If you don't want them to be happy without you, it's not REAL love.

Is this person emotionally, physically and legally available now?
If they still are not truly available for a solid and stable relationship, you won't get what you're seeking. If they are in a relationship with someone else, they're off limits and for you to try and put a wrench in that is out of your jurisdiction.

Has my ex expressed his or her desire to rekindle our relationship to me directly?
If not, then you're living in the past and/or the hope that you will receive what you're looking for. Assuming makes an ass out of you and me.

Has my ex made the important changes needed to keep our relationship stable and happy, on his or her own?
If your ex hasn't changed at all, you won't be happy with him or her and your relationship will fail again.

Have I made any changes, learned my lessons and grown on spiritual and emotional levels?
If you are still the same as you were before, chances are your ex will not want you this time around.

Do I only depend on this person to provide me with true happiness?
If the answer is yes, your ex will not be able to make you happy. You must find that on your own. You're obviously still very insecure, needy and your ex will see right through your attempts.

Does my ex need me in their life or do they truly want me?
If they're attempting to come back into your life, make sure they're doing this with pure intent. If you're trying to get them to take you back, be sure you're emotionally stable and can live life without them.

Has the separation been long enough to regain my personal power?
If you are trying to go back to the past relationship right away and are still feeling angry, hurt, betrayed, lonely, abandoned, lost, confused or any other damaging emotion, it's not time to rekindle the romance. You must be completely clear and independent before attempting to go back or even start a brand new relationship with anyone, let alone your ex.

Am I trying to get back into his or her life just so I can get revenge or make this person feel the pain they've put me through?
Ok, you MUST be honest with yourself while asking this question. The best way to know if you're doing this for impure reasons is by assessing your emotions. Refer to #8.

Have I completely accepted my ex for who they really, truly are?
If you are wanting them to change themself in any way, you should not try to reconcile.

Have I stopped placing blame on my ex for my pain and am I being accountable for my actions or inaction?
If you aren't accountable for your actions in any given situation, you are in serious denial. There are 2 sides to every story. Even if your ex cheated on you, your actions after the fact will shine through. If you're still blaming your ex and haven't truly forgiven their actions, then your relationship is doomed for failure.

Can I handle the possibility that after getting back with my ex, it could fall apart yet again?
If you fear that the relationship will fall apart again, it probably will and it's not time to go back. If you understand that the possibility is present, are okay with that and are able to deal with the aftermath all over again, then by all means go ahead and take your best shot.

Have I truly let go of the past and am I able to trust this person now?
If you are still holding on to various issues from the old relationship, you will carry them into the next one, especially if you're wanting to re-connect with your ex. If you can't trust him or her now, you never will. Even if they've proven they've changed and you're still angry about the past, nothing they do will ever please you.

Am I willing to allow the relationship to start again slowly?
If you want to rush things, most likely you won't experience anything new and you haven't learned a thing. In a lot of break-ups, not just one party has been hurt. If you have caused your ex any pain, chances are they're going to need time to see if they can trust you again and vice versa. Take things slow and do not push for something prematurely.

Have I found validation within myself or do I still expect my ex to do that for me?
If you can't be happy or find validation on your own, chances are nobody, not even your ex will be able to fulfill that in its entirety for you.

Getting back together with an ex can be successful, but oftentimes all the parties need space to re-ground and find themselves. Most of the time, people go back to their past because they're afraid of the future. Remember, you can't live in the past, the hope or the future. You must live in the NOW.