What Are We?
Titles and Validation

These are the most common questions people ask once they're in a new relationship and are seeking clarity.

"What are we?"
"Are we exclusively committed, just dating, friends with benefits or what?"
"How does this person view me, how do they feel about me and what can I expect from them in the future?"
"Are we working toward commitment?"

I get all of the above questions on a daily basis. People seem to make titles the first priority before even allowing their partner in on an emotional level. Some do not. As a matter of fact, some don't like to put a stamp on a relationship until they KNOW it's going somewhere.

The reason people push for a title is because they're seeking validation and/or want to know where they stand with another. This is something some people do naturally, but they won't be able to get with every single prospect that comes their way. Every person expresses themselves differently. Some do not use words to validate their partner, they use actions instead. The whole point for dating is getting to know someone. To find out if they are what you want and to see if the two of you can compliment one another nicely.

The Pressure of Titles:
A LOT of people find that slapping a title on a new connection prematurely is just too much for them to handle. It's not that they wouldn't eventually tell their partner when they're ready for commitment, they just prefer to enjoy their time getting to know that person and when it feels right to THEM, they'll go ahead and express their desire to move up to the next level. Do not be offended if you're a bit closer to commitment than your partner. Even if you feel the need to say, "I only want to date you" and they are not, don't take that personally. They just haven't reached the place you're in at that time. It's important to NOT pressure them to move when they're not yet comfortable, especially if you still want a chance with that person.

If you are someone who constantly needs validation, even after a week of meeting someone that is intriguing, you should consider taking a major step back. Some people are willing to give more than others right away, some are not. You need to really be willing to allow that person to feel comfortable and safe with you before demanding a title. If for example, you've been dating six months and there's no commitment, it's your choice to check out and find a person who's ready for what you are. Everyone has their own path to follow and we can't all be on the same page at the same time.

Expression: Words vs. Action:
Like we said above, some people use action instead of words to express their emotions and feelings toward their partner. Actions DO speak louder than words. If you are in a relationship with someone who says one thing and does another, believe what he or she DOES. Most likely they're not comfortable enough to tell you their true desires for fear you will judge them or bust out your "raving lunatic" persona. Whether or not you're really like that, they may still have fear and it's your job to be accountable for your actions and pay attention to the physical signs.

Some people are HORRIBLE with words. They may not know exactly how to describe their feelings of love or horror. For example, if you're dating a man or woman who is openly affectionate, but doesn't say "I love you" 20 times a day, chances are they DO love you but it's easier for them to show you instead. Respect that. If you can't, find someone who is as eloquent as you are with their words.

Each person has different desires and needs in regards to getting validation. I personally do not want to hear the "I want you" or "I love you's" all the time. Quite frankly, that's a major turn off in my book since that shows neediness and desperation. I prefer the happy medium. Those who need constant validation most likely have insecurity issues and the only way to alleviate those are to examine the problem from within. Sometimes you will receive the validation you're looking for, but more often than not you will have to create that balance alone. Not one person can be God and give you what you want, whenever you feel you need it. We're all human here.

Expectations & Pressure:
Titles naturally change the expectations of a partnership of every kind. For example, in Corporate America, titles such as Secretary, Executive, Vice-President and President individually have different responsibilities and things expected of them. When you start at Secretary and end up President, you've experienced different levels and learned more about the company during that journey. Relationships are the same.

When you start out as friends and end up spouses, you've gotten to know that person and every time a new title has been slapped on the relationship, what is expected of that significant other has changed. For example, once you get out of the friends stage and start exclusively dating, you're expecting that other person to share romantic time with JUST YOU and no other. When you get to the level of engagement or marriage, it's life altering. Some people feel that the word commitment isn't endearing, it's terrifying. They may feel like they're entering a prison instead of a new path in their life. That all depends on what your expectations are and how you interact with your partner.

Comfort Level:
Those who feel like they're imprisoned while being in a relationship are generally afraid their partner doesn't trust them, is pushy and is very self-absorbed. Not all feel that way and could also be judging their partner based upon their past experiences.

If you are wanting to further your relationship with a person with these issues, it's imperative that you do everything in your power to help this person keep their comfort level. That means no nagging, breaking into their email accounts or voice mail, demanding to know where they are every single second of the day and refrain from begging for the "do you love me" validation on a consistent basis. DO NOT demand they change their life just to suit you.

Remember, you're an ADDITION to the life they had prior to your relationship. The reason they pull back to begin with is to sustain their comfort level. Bring back the FUN you started out with. Keep things light. If this person really wants to be with you, the changes will come in their own time, without any prompting on your end.

The Safety Zone & Pull Backs:
Everyone has a Safety Zone. A nice little bubble they can travel to while developing spiritually, regaining self-worth, relaxation and re-aligning themselves on their life path. Every relationship has NATURAL pull backs. Anytime you or your partner pulls back from a situation, you're trying to put things into perspective whether it's romance related or not. We all need our space and for a significant other to patronize us for that necessity is demeaning and damaging to the progression of the relationship. NEVER invade your partner's space during a pull back. LET THEM BREATHE.

These periods of rest may not even be that long. When it comes to getting the answers you're seeking from your partner during a pull back, you will get them when the time is right. You'll never get them on demand. Hell, they may not even have an answer ready at that time. If you are the type who breaks though your partner's bubble because you're not comfortable, it's time to re-assess your intent. If you aren't willing to allow them their time, space and NOT smother them to pieces, you don't REALLY love that person. If you love someone, you love them unconditionally, flaws and all. You want them to be happy WITH or WITHOUT your presence.